TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (WTXL)--What age should you let your child date?
Parents have different opinions. Family therapist Jane Marks has some advice to help you decide.
1. Determining a dating age may be the most difficult challenge for you because dating in middle school usually involves going to the mall or a friend's house. Parents should decide exactly what age their teens should begin formal dating. Even prior to that there should be clear, exact rules for texting members of the opposite sex and explain the importance of avoiding any form of sexting. Along with the clear rules with social media, it is important that parents monitor their child’s text conversations and follow them on any social media sites where they have accounts. Young teens, especially middle school, have especially fragile egos, so negative peer feedback on social media can be especially impacting.
2. Insist on a slow start. You want to discourage early, frequent dating, until a later age, but if it begins at fifteen, you want it to be as slow as possible. Early dating before the age of sixteen is certainly a gateway for premature sexual activity and that you want to monitor.
3. When your daughter or son begins to date, it is important that you review curfew and checking in and whatever your specific check in requirements are. Many parents still stay up to make sure teens are back, but because so many kids are involved in sports this really needs to be clear definition of curfews. And this is also part of building a track record of trust.
4. Introducing a date to the family. It is important that you have an introduction to your teen’s date. Not so much because you want to do a 100% inquiry, but you want to have a sense of the personalities and how your teen may navigate this particular dating situation. Introductions might simply include handshakes, one that is a tone of respect and one where we want to get a chance to know you.
5. Ground rules for home visitations. It is important to set some ground rules as they begin to spend more time together, particularly during the dating process. You have to define what areas of the house are okay areas and what areas that you would like to remain open. Often times teens would like to be in situations where the doors are closed, and they have privacy. In most cases, most parents require certain open spaces and if they are allowed closed spaces, that is to be determined by both parties.
6. Another issue that comes up is age differentials. For some kids, if your child is fourteen and the boy that is interested in dating her is nineteen, certainly that is an issue that has to be clearly evaluated. It is recommended that teens date someone around their own age, generally either in the same grade or one or two years younger or older. After that it does require careful communication.
7. Definition of time being spent together. If dating becomes more serious, it is important to talk about balance of time between, boyfriend, social media and other responsibilities. Most kids today are involved not only in just the navigation of school but other activities in order to prepare for college so a conversation regarding balancing time in a relationship is pretty critical.
8. Family Events. Inviting your teens date to a family event is a fabulous way of getting to know your teens date. Understanding the personality and getting a feel for what your teen is exposed to on a regular basis. Are you comfortable with them attending events outside the home? All these questions can be answered with this kind of experience.
9. It is important to teach the concept of dating responsibility. When you want to avoid situations, again, that might be precursors to any kind of unwarranted sexual activity, sexually explicit movies and videos. These are probably some things you want to steer them away from.
10. Teach the language that is often precursors to sexual activity, “If you really care about me, you will participate in this activity”.
11. Probably the most difficult rule is to let your teen make mistakes. If you see that the relationship is heading in a bad direction, it is probably important to step in, before it becomes catastrophic. But they are going to learn that sometimes they make think they’re making good choices, but very quickly, teach them to be critical thinkers about how they manage and process dating situations.
12. There is occasion where as a parent you may have to veto a situation, but you want to talk about that when dating first begins. And you may have to say, “that there may be a time during your years of dating that I may have to pull rank and let you know that what I think you’re participating in is a toxic relationship or one where you’re likely to participate in risky behavior and as such, while it may break your heart, understand I am your parent and I will make this decision at this juncture”.
Parents of dating teens will discover that this is a very exciting time as teens approach this area and very heart warming but is also a very challenging time for both teens and parents and indeed as we discuss these issues these are part of the areas that you want to communicate on as we build personal growth and development skills toward adulthood.
