TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Family Therapist Jane Marks offers tips on how to nurture a positive outlook in teens after tragic events.
Question:
My very sensitive teenager is convinced that the world is changing and that each week presents us with a new catastrophic event and more tragedy. How can I help create or nurture more optimism? She and her friends seem to see the world as a place where trauma and tragedy are part of daily life.
Answer:
The fact of the matter is that your teenager is correct. We are speaking to a new generation of teenagers who have witnessed more trauma and tragedy than we did in our past. We certainly want to communicate to her that her opinions are valued but indeed tragedies will continue to happen and to the extent that we can nurture a positive outlook after tragedy is going to go a long ways in raising happy, healthy teens. We now know that research has pointed out that optimism indeed does protect some teenagers from depression and certain health risks so with that in mind, let us start with things to consider when nurturing optimism.
1. Ask questions. Parents, instead of doing all of the talking or trying to direct the conversation, simply ask open ended questions and let your teens articulate what they already know and what they are processing. Try not to inject your feelings initially. Talk about how they would have responded. Talk about optimistic outcomes.
2. A key in nurturing optimism is listening. If we take the time to sit back without explaining or providing solutions and not assuming that it is all anxiety, we can hear our teenagers internal thoughts and help them process what their individualized experience is.
3. Each tragedy presents an opportunity to talk about the issues of safety. Brainstorm with your teen how you might have handled this situation. Each conversation prepares them a little bit more for the next unexpected experience. Teens, believe it or not, are ready to handle much of this and it sets the tone for positive problem solving.
4. Teenager’s reactions to the world can certainly be extremely intense. Teens often live with emotional ups and downs and a tragic event like the one that happened in Oklahoma exacerbates feelings so as parents one of the things that we want to do is to watch for displaced anger or sadness and be aware that routine disagreements and situations following a tragedy can escalate negative feelings.
5. It is important to communicate your feelings of love and devotion to your children, something we don’t often talk about, but certainly times of tragedy gives us permission to do that. Remember this may be a time where we want to allow the smaller issues of conflict to slide for a few days while we process tragedy. If your teen shows some regressive behavior, acknowledge and be available for him. It is not unusual for a teen to want to sleep with a parent following a tragedy.
6. Teens are at a developmental stage where they often feel invincible. However death and tragedy is inevitable. It is our job as parents to guide them through what can be a very difficult process. Also this is an opportunity to address adversity.
7. Change the mindset. Teens need to feel a sense of responsibility and this is how optimism occurs. Instill responsibilities that include looking out for not only themselves but for their peers and their community. If they see a peer being bullied, if they see a party that appears to be taken advantage of, step up. This also encourages nurturing, ethical and moral behavior.
8. The age of passivity unfortunately is continually changing. If you are actively contributing to the welfare of someone outside of yourself, you are nurturing building blocks to optimism.
9. Parents and teens often struggle with the meaning of these catastrophic events. If you attend a place of worship this is a time to participate in activities that connect us to others who also share in that experience. Talking with others helps us to reframe these catastrophes.
10. With summer coming up, this is the ideal time to put best practices in place with regards to optimism. Talk about the pressures that emerge as a function of these global situations. Find a way for you and your family to participate; in rebuilding or a donation of some kind. Concrete steps like writing to political officials who might make a difference in outcome, reaching out to victims of tragedy through cards, letters, or social media. All of this teaches concern and hopefulness.
11. As parents our task is to help our children navigate these extraordinary times and to help nurture teenagers who are resilient, communicative, and compassionate adults.
Question:
My very sensitive teenager is convinced that the world is changing and that each week presents us with a new catastrophic event and more tragedy. How can I help create or nurture more optimism? She and her friends seem to see the world as a place where trauma and tragedy are part of daily life.
Answer:
The fact of the matter is that your teenager is correct. We are speaking to a new generation of teenagers who have witnessed more trauma and tragedy than we did in our past. We certainly want to communicate to her that her opinions are valued but indeed tragedies will continue to happen and to the extent that we can nurture a positive outlook after tragedy is going to go a long ways in raising happy, healthy teens. We now know that research has pointed out that optimism indeed does protect some teenagers from depression and certain health risks so with that in mind, let us start with things to consider when nurturing optimism.
1. Ask questions. Parents, instead of doing all of the talking or trying to direct the conversation, simply ask open ended questions and let your teens articulate what they already know and what they are processing. Try not to inject your feelings initially. Talk about how they would have responded. Talk about optimistic outcomes.
2. A key in nurturing optimism is listening. If we take the time to sit back without explaining or providing solutions and not assuming that it is all anxiety, we can hear our teenagers internal thoughts and help them process what their individualized experience is.
3. Each tragedy presents an opportunity to talk about the issues of safety. Brainstorm with your teen how you might have handled this situation. Each conversation prepares them a little bit more for the next unexpected experience. Teens, believe it or not, are ready to handle much of this and it sets the tone for positive problem solving.
4. Teenager’s reactions to the world can certainly be extremely intense. Teens often live with emotional ups and downs and a tragic event like the one that happened in Oklahoma exacerbates feelings so as parents one of the things that we want to do is to watch for displaced anger or sadness and be aware that routine disagreements and situations following a tragedy can escalate negative feelings.
5. It is important to communicate your feelings of love and devotion to your children, something we don’t often talk about, but certainly times of tragedy gives us permission to do that. Remember this may be a time where we want to allow the smaller issues of conflict to slide for a few days while we process tragedy. If your teen shows some regressive behavior, acknowledge and be available for him. It is not unusual for a teen to want to sleep with a parent following a tragedy.
6. Teens are at a developmental stage where they often feel invincible. However death and tragedy is inevitable. It is our job as parents to guide them through what can be a very difficult process. Also this is an opportunity to address adversity.
7. Change the mindset. Teens need to feel a sense of responsibility and this is how optimism occurs. Instill responsibilities that include looking out for not only themselves but for their peers and their community. If they see a peer being bullied, if they see a party that appears to be taken advantage of, step up. This also encourages nurturing, ethical and moral behavior.
8. The age of passivity unfortunately is continually changing. If you are actively contributing to the welfare of someone outside of yourself, you are nurturing building blocks to optimism.
9. Parents and teens often struggle with the meaning of these catastrophic events. If you attend a place of worship this is a time to participate in activities that connect us to others who also share in that experience. Talking with others helps us to reframe these catastrophes.
10. With summer coming up, this is the ideal time to put best practices in place with regards to optimism. Talk about the pressures that emerge as a function of these global situations. Find a way for you and your family to participate; in rebuilding or a donation of some kind. Concrete steps like writing to political officials who might make a difference in outcome, reaching out to victims of tragedy through cards, letters, or social media. All of this teaches concern and hopefulness.
11. As parents our task is to help our children navigate these extraordinary times and to help nurture teenagers who are resilient, communicative, and compassionate adults.
