TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (WTXL) - The pain the loss of a loved one brings is something everyone experiences and laments, even those that some may think are too young to fully understand it.
Grief is something that affects every human being simply because our lives are not everlasting. Everything under the sun has a clear and final end. This is no easy lesson to learn and accept, especially for children.
According to the National Alliance for Grieving Children, “The death of a family member, friend or other significant person is a lifelong loss for children. It is normal for children to miss the person who died and to experience grief that might come and go with different levels of intensity for some time after the death. It can be challenging to parents and caregivers to know what to do for, what to say to and how to help children who are obviously hurting.”
As hard as it can be for parents to navigate the intricacies of explaining lifetime loss to their child, it is a necessary part of their development and transition into adulthood.
“I think a lot of the time, younger children don’t necessarily have the words or language to express what they’re feeling,” said Jaci Bartley with the Covenant Care branch in Tallahassee.
Bartley is the bereavement coordinator for the facility and recently hosted an event called Camp Connect that focused on using activities to help kids be able to express what they’re feeling on the inside. She said that kids experience many things like sadness and most recognizably, anger, but for smaller children, it’s easier to get a sense of what they’re feeling through play.
“With kids, depending on the age, you’re gonna find out more and be able to share more with them while you’re doing something else.”
For Bartley, doing something else can be a variety of activities like painting or drawing. She said that in some instances connecting colors to emotions or having children draw how they feel inside can depict a much more literal picture of what sort of conflicting emotions they are dealing with.
However, exercises like these only work if a parent knows they should be doing them in the first place. Because grieving can look incredibly different in children depending on their age and personality, it can be hard for a parent to differentiate grief from acting out or outright bad behavior.
The Barr-Harris Children’s Grief Center noted that some of the more obvious signs of grief include, “difficulty concentrating in school, sleep and eating problems and/or aggressive behavior.”
Sometimes, children can be just as elusive as adults with their feelings and act like nothing has happened at all. According to the center, the lack of response could be attributed to the child not wanting to be a burden on other grieving family members or feeling responsible for the loved one’s death in some way.
The simple fact of the matter is that death hurts. But no matter how hard it is to accept this ever-consistent fact of life no matter what age you are, Bartley asserted that it was important that parents talk and listen to their children.
“We tend to shy from the word ‘die’. We’re a very death avoidant culture. But when we tend use euphemisms, the message doesn't get across like we think it does.”
As noble as a cause as it is for parents to desire to protect their children from death and all the negative emotions that can be tied to it, experts at the Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children and families, advised that not being direct with children can be harmful.
“When [kids] ask questions about a death, it’s usually a sign that they’re curious about something they don’t understand. As an adult, a couple of the most important things you can do for children is to let them know that all questions are okay to ask, and to answer questions truthfully. Be sensitive to their age and the language they use.”
The Barr Harris Center even recommended that parents let their children see them cry, if it’s not too overwhelming for them. At all times, parents serve as a living model of all life has to offer and by displaying and explaining emotions, children can better understand what’s going on within themselves.
Bartley also recommended that parents give their children an opportunity to feel involved in the grieving process. She said that it was okay if parents invite their kids to participate in any kind of memorial activities, but warned against forcing them to do anything they don’t want to.
“As parents do talk and listen to their children, they are helping them to make sense of death. When they include them in the memorial or other remembrance rituals, they are showing children how wonderful it is to love someone, even long after they have died,” she explained.
Through open communication and patience, both parents and children can be able to deal and cope with the loss of a family member together.
