MIDWAY, FL - Breaking up is hard to do especially in high school, but what is the best way to support your teenager through this time.
Family Therapist Jane Marks answers the question: My teenage daughter was blindsided by her boyfriend of one year. They have been dating and seemed like the ideal couple and he texted her to break up a long term relationship.
She is devastated.
Again, I would like to have any kind of coaching advice you might have in helping my daughter navigate this very, very tough time.
Answer: There is no right or wrong answer regarding breakups.
Indeed for teens a breakup or a broken heart is one of the teens' life's biggest challenges.
Parents, you would like to fix it but indeed you can be there to walk beside them.
Certainly if this is your teen's first serious breakup, do not dismiss this as a minor situation for them.
Teens feel extraordinarily deeply, so for them the pain is very real and they not only need sympathy but they need empathy as well.
Too often we see many teens because these breakups can cause deep insecurities to surface.
Explain to your teen that most teens need time to grieve.
Don't expect to just bounce back overnight.
While some do, most teens need plenty of space and feel these experiences.
1. AS A PARENT, OFFER A LISTENING EAR, DON'T TRY TO FIX IT, don't be fearful of deep emotions but simply be a good listener.
2. SHARE YOUR OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES IF YOU THINK THEY ARE WARRANTED. It is nice for teens to know that they are not the only ones who have gone through this. But sometimes a simple hug, and feeling a sense of security is the best thing a parent can do for their teen at the time of an immediate breakup.
3. IT'S IMPORTANT TO OFFER SUPPORT AND NOT LECTURE. Be proactive and optimistic. As a parent, encourage your teen no to waste too much time focusing on horrible things.
4. IT'S IMPORTANT TO PROVIDE STRUCTURE, HELPING THEM GET BACK INTO THE DAILY ROUTINE OF THIngs like chores and projects that need to be finished around the house, odd jobs, hanging out with the family, business as usual.
5. IF YOUR DAUGHTER IS AN EXTRAORDINARY DRAMA QUEEN, SOMETIMES IT'S A GOOD THING TO SAy, it's important to have lots of emotions for the first week but after that you might want to spend a portion of your day with the tears and the drama to frame up the drama by saying to your teen, "between seven and eight in the evening is a great time to cry and feel the drama but for the rest of the day you need to manage the important demands in your life".
6. IT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR HEALTH. If there's a great deal of crying it is important that they remain extremely hydrated. Certainly, participating in exercise as we often talk about and getting plenty of protein through this time because sometimes this can impact the immune system. Be kind to yourself.
7. TRY NOT TO HYPER-FOCUS ON THE EX-PERSON AND TRY TO RAISE ABOVE HOW HE DID THIS IN A TEXT. You never know with teens; these partners may pop up on the radar screen next week.
8. EXPECT SOME DEGREE OF CHANGE. Sometimes the first break up, particularly from a long-term relationship, can impact on a young person and you may see changes for a while but typically the personality will be restored.
9. CREATE WAYS FOR THEM TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES IN MOVING ON; LEARNING A NEW language, doing a video, these are very helpful in terms of moving on in a relationship struggles.
10. ALWAYS INSPIRE HOPE, MEETING NEW PEOPLE, TAKING RISKS, SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE who support you and are loving toward you. In other words, like Jesse Jackson says, "Keep hope alive".
11. IF YOUR TEEN STARTS TO EXPERIENCE ANXIETY EPISODES WHERE THEY START TO RELAPSE INTO THESE OLD FEELINGS AGAIN, THIS IS NORMAL.
12. REMEMBER MANY BREAK UPS HAVE NO SPECIFIC REASON. Relief is on the way. When you start to see signs of relief, the break up cycle is about to be complete. This is part of personal growth and development and for your teen this may be the first, second, third of many break ups to come. You will want them to build relationship experiences.
Hopefully these are a few tips that will help you manage your walk through what can be a very difficult experience.
