Teen Talk, February 2, 2012 – Teens and Rude Behavior
Question:
My fifteen year old has hit an all-time high when it comes to rude behavior. I particularly like what you said about consequences, but I probably should have addressed this when he was ten as opposed to fifteen. What are your most effective strategies when dealing with rude, adolescent behavior?
Answer:
It is important to know that you are not by yourself. Parents often experience the same sense of frustration that they did when their teens were in the terrible twos, but remember that the adolescent brain is still developing. So very often, you don’t see the same level of impulse control that you do even at a younger age. It is important for parents to provide support and guidance through this period but also to set clear boundaries and to coach.
1. Define what you mean by “back talk” and rude behavior. Teenagers are in the process of developing their identities and often times when they talk back at home it’s just about testing the boundaries of self-expression. If indeed this is a problem both at home and school, then certainly this needs to be clarified.
2. Make sure that you have rules in your house specifically about what you define as back talk. You may have to have the conversation, “We’ve been fighting a lot lately” and clarify exactly what you mean about rules and what kinds of consequences will take place should this be a continuing problem.
3. Try and determine why a pattern of rudeness appears to be consistent. Often times a teen is rude because of something or maybe some anxiety about a situation, but certainly it requires an explanation.
4. Don’t ignore the rudeness, if you continue to ignore it a teen will feel like they have permission to be rude on a regular basis.
5. If a child participates in a level of swearing that really gets you goat, then another effective tool is to lose electronics until he can go through an eight to ten hour period without using any words that are offensive. Again the behavior is tied to the original act of rudeness. It is time and task specific.
6. Develop consequences. If you develop consequences, do not back down or let your teen draw you into an argument. If your teen feels like he can argue, navigate, or negotiate a consequence, it’s more likely to happen and you’ll be having this lecture over and over.
7. Be willing to have conversations about adjusting the rules regarding consequences once you have established what the rules are.
8. Demonstrate empathy. Teens often say, “you don’t understand”, they believe their experiences are the most unique in the world, instead of asserting, been there, done that, as a parent you may have to say, “I may not understand, but I do want to try and understand what you are feeling, can we talk?” So parents, the message here is there are times when you have to reach out to them, possibly through email or text. Sometimes you have to hit them where they will hear us.
9. Think about how you speak and the kind of behavior you role model because often times teens are simply repeating what they see.
10. Teens, be responsible for your rudeness. Do not let patterns of behavior be established where your teen is constantly rude, you simply say, “I don’t like the way our relationship is going lately and I want you to come up with solutions as to how you think we can handle this in the future”.
11. Help your teen find better outlets for their emotions. Teens oftentimes do not know how to handle emotions, frustrations, communication, so essentially what comes out is rudeness. A lot of times it’s just simply giving them examples or even alternative words. A lot of times you can use terms that you might have used when you were young that’s not rude but certainly captures the meaning of what you are trying to state.
12. Another response to rudeness is to simply say, “I need you to repeat this”. Once the teen has repeated it, the teen has got to listen to what he or she just said and sometimes that’s just enough to stop that particular pattern.
13. Do not expect behavioral change overnight. Indeed this does take practice.
14. Remember we live in a society that reflects and encourages sassy behavior and often times rude remarks, but that doesn’t mean that as parents we have to allow our teens a pass. It is our job to help them develop the assertive skills they need to help them stand up for what they believe in but to also ensure that they are respectful of others and you as parents.
